Spotify CEO Daniel Ek Accidentally Turns Into Egg and Other News
BTI Breaking News 7th January 2025
Spotify CEO Daniel Ek Accidentally Turns Into Egg
In an eggcellent turn of events, Spotify CEO Daniel Ek has accidentally transformed into an egg. “I was trying this new billionaire anti-aging thing,” Ek reportedly said before losing the ability to speak. “But now I’m in hot water—I’m worried I might harden up, and someone will eat me for breakfast.” Apple Music execs have called the situation “cracking news” and have been “egging him on to take part in a spoon race.” Musicians, many of whom feel he’s been poaching royalties from them, are eggstatic.
Ek, now affectionately dubbed “Humpty Dumpty,” is reportedly being kept in a cushioned cubicle to avoid being scrambled. Sources close to Ek are said to be shell-shocked and are working on a way to reverse the process.
A whistleblower, who didn’t want to be named, said, “I know he’s been using the substance recently for anti-aging, but clearly, this is just plain old substance abuse. Mentally, I’m fried.”
Meanwhile, Spotify Premium users are disappointed to learn that he’s neither a great CEO nor much of a good egg.
Dry Jan Now Damp Jan As DJ Mistakenly Gets Drunk On First Gig Of The Year
Mark, a Hertfordshire-based failed entertainer AKA DJ Leopard, hasn’t changed his spots this year, as he’s inadvertently turned “Dry January” into “Damp January” after reflexively downing a pint during his first gig of the year. “I was behind the decks, and the next thing I knew, I was halfway through three pints of Punk IPA and four shots of tequila,” said Mark, who claims the beer was “bloody scrumptious.”
His girlfriend, who bet him £5 he couldn’t stay sober, is reportedly gutted but understanding, noting that the bet could barely afford a Chomp bar in today’s economy. Experts have noted that DJs attempting Dry January often face challenges, citing “muscle memory” as a leading cause of accidental drinking. “January is the leading choice for sobriety,” one researcher said. “DJs should try this in July if they want a real challenge, or for more success just avoid consuming thirst-inducing products like nuts, crackers, and Sabrina Carpenter records.”
Mark, however, says he has no regrets: “I’m gonna do Dry Feb instead, I promise.”
Scientists Say We Are Now As Close to 1976 As We Are To Festival Season
January blues have hit harder than ever with scientists confirming we’re currently equidistant from the year 1976 and the next festival season. “It’s a staggering thought,” said one boffin. “Festival season feels decades away, and for many in their 30’s they might not live that long.” Doctors have suggested coping mechanisms such as booking a flight to Tenerife or opening their uncleaned tent and huffing it like a massive bag of glue. Some festival-goers have taken solace in the fact at least when you’re 66 you’ll have an excuse why your brain and bladder no longer communicate.
Sony Unveils VR Headset That Lets You Fail Like a Real DJ
At CES 2025, Sony announced a groundbreaking VR headset that finally allows aspiring DJs to live out their wildest dreams—of barely scraping by in the music industry. The headset, called the “DJ Failure Pro,” simulates every aspect of a DJ’s life, including arriving late to gigs, discovering your rider has been raided, and developing complex cognitive issues. “It’s like being Armin van Buuren, but sadder,” said one tech reviewer. The VR experience includes a USB stick that loses your files mid-set and a feature that makes the crowd boo when you accidentally hit cue during a track that’s playing. Sony hinted at future innovations, such as a holographic avatar that does the stupid dance for you. One CES attendee said, “Finally, a product that captures the essence of DJing: pretending you’re successful while everything else falls apart.”