Business Techno Breaking News 23rd April
Person drinks Ibiza tap water, Black T-shirt Wardrobe conundrum
Only Person to Drink Ibiza Tap Water Gains Ability to Beatmatch Without Headphones
In a bizarre turn of events that has left locals stunned and hydration experts deeply concerned, a man in Ibiza has claimed that drinking the island’s notoriously undrinkable tap water has granted him supernatural DJ abilities.
“I thought it was just a myth,” the man told reporters, wide-eyed and visibly twitching. “I figured, let me give it a go. How bad could it be?”
Moments after consuming a single glass, witnesses say he began retching violently and muttering things like “cut me and I bleed BPM.” Despite the initial physical distress and a face described by bystanders as “looking like an arse slapped with a copy of Mixmag” the man claimed to have unlocked the ability to beatmatch without headphones - a feat previously reserved for only the most elite DJ’s.
“That was just the beginning,” he said. “From there, I could jump on any set, any genre, anywhere - it was flawless every time. It saved my marriage.”
Encouraged by this breakthrough, one of his friends reportedly tried the same water. He was immediately hospitalised with “multiple system failures looking like an empty squeezed out tube of Colgate Max White.”
“It’s not the water, mate. You’re just soft,” the DJ freak said to his friend by the side of his hospital bed, having now mutated four fully functional arms. “I could drink that stuff all day. In fact, I think it’s making me stronger.”
Doctors confirmed that the man appears to have grown a second set of arms emerging from underneath his originals, technically qualifying him as an insect. The newfound appendages have allegedly allowed him to beatmatch across four turntables simultaneously, while the IBIZA nightlife brand Ants are thinking of getting him in as an ambassador.
Local officials, overwhelmed by the public reaction, have issued a statement urging residents and tourists alike to avoid the tap at all costs.
IBIZA DJ Decides To Wear Black T-shirt
IBIZA — In an act of unique life experiences, early this morning, 27-year-old aspiring tech house DJ Aquarius Paella reportedly spent an hour and a half selecting the perfect black t-shirt from a carefully curated collection of ten indistinguishable black t-shirts.
Sources close to the scene confirmed the t-shirts were hanging up in a wardrobe with nothing else hanging but other black t-shirts and the DJ who’d drunk too much hierbas the night before.
“The shirt chose me,” McAllister explained solemnly, gazing out at the Balearic horizon, his outfit perfectly matching every other male in a 3-mile radius. “I think that being unique and different is actually more about fitting in.”
Eyewitnesses later reported McAllister received zero compliments on his outfit, which he was happy with, but was granted a subtle nod of acknowledgment from three other men wearing near-identical ensembles, all of whom are also aspiring tech house DJs, temporarily employed as mixologists, who’s main role is flicking the switch on the cigarette machine.
McAllister, who moved to the island last summer “to pursue music,” has yet to land a single DJ gig but remains optimistic. He is currently experimenting with wearing progressively larger black t-shirts.
“The idea,” he said while adjusting the hem of his latest XXXL tee, “is that eventually my shirt becomes so large that promoters can’t ignore me. Like, it’s marketing that people won’t tell you about.”
At press time, McAllister was seen staring at an Instagram post of another DJ wearing an even bigger black t-shirt than him sobbing.