BTI Breaking Techno News 11/02/2025
Producers blows lottery winnings, DJ insists on taking economy class, Night Czar decides to do something, DJ caught shazaming tracks.
Producer Blows Lottery Winnings On Two Eurorack Synth Modules
LONDON — In what experts are calling “the most predictable act of financial self-sabotage in music history,” local producer Gary Wilkins has spent his entire £5 million lottery winnings on two modular synth modules.
Wilkins, described being excited even though he’s “never actually touched a modular synth in his life.”
“To be honest with you, I wasn’t expecting to actually pay that,” he admitted. “It’s quite a shock. When I was in the shop, I was too embarrassed to pull out. I panicked, I swiped the card, and now I own two modular synths worth more than a house in Zone 2. I still haven’t bought a housing so I can’t even use them yet.”
The producer, best known for a series of unreleased tracks that exist only as Ableton project files titled NEW MASTER F*&%&$K FINAL 4 V3 2, says the synths are mainly there to go in the background when he’s recording his Ableton projects via Instagram stories to his 3 followers, 1 is himself from his personal account.
Despite this, Wilkins has assured friends that the purchase isn’t a total waste.
“The one thing giving me joy is knowing that I can now inflict the main of blowing 5 million upon others via the medium of annoying endless beeping,” he said. “That’s what music is about.”
Camelot, the national lottery operator, expressed concern.
“We do offer winners financial advisors to help with their purchases,” a spokesperson stated. “But even we cannot help those afflicted with the debilitating condition known as ‘GAS’ (Gear Acquisition Syndrome). There is no known cure.”
Mysterious Figure ‘The Nights Czar’ Introduces Jägermeister Subsidy to Revive London Nightlife
LONDON — In a last-ditch effort to rescue London’s nightlife and tourism industry, an ominous cloaked figure that no one has ever seen actually do anything, known only as The Night Czar has introduced an unprecedented subsidy: three Jägerbombs for the price of two.
“People just aren’t going out anymore,” The Night Czar lamented in an unnaturally deep voice, standing atop a Dalston rooftop, staring mournfully into the abyss. “The only thing strong enough to pull people out of the darkness… is something even more dark... Jägermeister.”
“This is the only way,” the figure continued. “We must revert back to the darkness. The stickiness. The floors. The 4 AM regret.”
Labour leader Keir Starmer quickly weighed in on the plan, eager to prove his relatability.
“Yeah, no, I used to drink Jägermeister myself, actually,” he said. “Honestly, I’ve been drunk before. I’m not a completely boring person. And I absolutely love dance music. Chaz and Dave is one of my favourites.”
When asked if he thought the subsidy would actually help revive London’s club scene, Starmer nodded. “Look, at the end of the day, it’s about bringing people together. And if we can do that through giving them absolutely disgusting hangovers, then I fully support it.”
Experts remain divided on whether the initiative will work, but given that nobody has proposed any better ideas, The Night Czar remains optimistic.
Small-Time DJ Insists on Economy Flights for His Booking, Even Though Nobody Was Going to Pay for His Travel Anyway
BERLIN — In a bold and entirely unnecessary act of humility, local DJ Jet Effekt has firmly insisted that he only needs economy-class flights for his upcoming gig, despite the fact that the promoter was never going to pay for his travel in the first place.
“Look, I’m a humble guy,” he told reporters. “I don’t need first class. I don’t need business class. Put me in with the people. With the real people. DJing is about the people.”
The promoter, visibly confused, responded, “I don’t really get why he’s mentioning this. We told him from the start that travel costs weren’t included. He has to pay for his own flight.”
Still, Dj Jet Effekt remained steadfast.
“For me, it’s about the environment,” he explained. “About the people. About the music. I don’t want to be separated from that by a curtain adn stunning leg room. I just want to chill with the lads, take it all in, and play some tunes, even if the stewards tell me to stop, again.”
Industry insiders suspect the DJ’s public stance is actually a desperate attempt to justify why they can only afford a cheaper fare.
“I think he’s just insecure about not getting travel, and is trying to insinuate that he is in fact getting travel, he’s barely booked, he’s just a friend of a friend.” the promoter added.
The unexpected media attention has led to further complications, with club management now considering canceling the DJ’s booking altogether.
“But you know what?” the promoter mused. “Any press is good press. We might just buy him a first-class ticket out of spite.”
DJ Secretly Shazams H&M Playlist Song, Immediately Denies It
LONDON — A local DJ has been caught in an act of pure betrayal: secretly using Shazam to identify a track playing in H&M, knowing full well that his more serious vinyl-collecting friends would mock him for it.
The DJ, who requested anonymity but was later identified by store security footage as DJ Pure Respekt, was seen subtly pulling his phone from his pocket, scanning the store with a paranoid glance, not to be confused with DJ Paranoid Glance, and covertly holding his device at waist level while the app did its work.
When approached for comment, he denied everything.
“I don’t even know what Shazam is,” he snapped. “You lot need to leave me alone. I only listen to Italo hard tech-house. It’s a pure and sacred genre. You wouldn’t understand.”
Security footage later confirmed that he had, in fact, looked around nervously before engaging in the act, sparking further speculation about the true nature of his crime.
“No, no, I do that all the time,” he said when confronted. “I time myself to see how long it takes to pick out a white T-shirt. It’s a test. This time it took ten seconds. Pretty standard, to be fair.”
Despite his increasingly convoluted explanations, investigators later discovered that the song in question—now added to his secret running playlist—was in fact a major chart hit from 2023.
As of press time, DJ Pure Respekt was seen at his next gig, overcompensating by playing horrible unlistenable noise, hoping that nobody would ever find out.